C.L.A.M.P. Big Wall Stove Hanger

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Description & Tech Specs

C.L.A.M.P. - Compact Lightweight Adjustable Mounting Point

 

C'mon you aren't a sucker are you? Of course not... that's why you're here picking up the latest and greatest in stove hanging technology.

 

Look no further, after decades of development and massive budget overruns, the state of the art HowNOT2 CLAMP Stove Hanger system (patent not pending) has finally hit the shelves!

 

Almost a whopping $58 less than it's closest competitor, the CLAMP system will absolutely annihilate all of your stove hanging needs! *explosion* Now you can quit begging mommy and daddy to buy you that $60 piece of crap for your birthday. You're welcome.

 

Measuring in at a measly 30 grams, you won't even notice that you hauled it 800 feet up that wall and right past the ledge your partner told you not to miss. Not a problem for you though, your shitty ramen bomb will be cooking in defiance of gravity tonight.

 

Perfectly suspended by the same material used on the space shuttle's parachute, you can bet your bottom dollar that nothing but the fires of hell itself is going to burn your lines. Go ahead, brag to your friends. Surely they'll lose their minds when you tell them about the CLAMP chassis... oh you know, the one that is made from the same material used on the freaking International Space Station! 

 

 

Includes a 4 inch hose clamp, 3/4 inch wide rubber band, and approximately 4 feet of a core strand of Technora in a state of the art standard zip lock bag.

 

Some of the RISKS that you subject yourself to, that if I tell you about I hope prevents you from suing me, are the following:

 

1. This is only intended to hold 2 cups of water, not your life, your shoes, or even your fork.

2. The bottom part, you know, that part that makes the fire, is not attached to your amazing CLAMP system.  If whatever magic holds that in place comes undone, your balls, if you have any, will be on fire.

3. If you tie a shitty knot, or don't clamp this tight before going up the wall and try to do it with a piton the night you need it, you could spill boiling water all over you... or the party below you.

4. The actual physical clamp has sharp edges.  We provide a rubber band to mitigate the risk of it shredding your puffy or cutting you, but it's barley good enough and if you want to minimize that risk more, wrap it in tape or whatever you think will work.

5. The product image might lead you to believe it comes with a jet boil.  If you think that, maybe you shouldn't climb big walls.  Just saying.  It doesn't, just to be clear!

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